Strange places, strange customs of Andalucia
As well as the usual features we have special articles on Stapling, Getting your wife to trot and Hankerings. But first…
It’s that time again where we go to weird and wonderful countries afar and also time to feast on the local customs and delights which you ignore at your peril! Let’s kick off with a few facts for you – fancy a quickie?
It’s that time again where we go to weird and wonderful countries afar and also time to feast on the local customs and delights which you ignore at your peril! Let’s kick off with a few facts for you – fancy a quickie?
Weird Laws
2.95kgs of dust
Here comes the chod...
Soap on a rope. In a weird pre-wedding Andalusian tradition, friends and family of the bride and groom come together and do number two’s and ones (possibly threes as well?) on the floor and then the bride and groom have to clean up the mess (while being punched in the tits). This way they get to practice 'working together in difficult times.' We love it said Feliciano, the smell reminds me of my Uncle Carlos who was locked in a cellar for 52 days.
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for
Greeting people properly in Española/ Andalucía is very important. Here are some useful phrases.
Funty Bubshit – a traditional Andalusian word combo as a greeting or to say goodbye e.g. Funty Busbhit barman, can I have three beers please? Or, I’m off lads Funty Bubshit. That’s it – NO other phrase is useful in Andalucía, Funty Bubshit covers them all, apart from “Curtain shoes” if you want to offend someone – be careful! |
Terrifying tots
You would have heard of bull fighting, but baby fighting? Not so much. People in Andalucía look forward to the event in which two male men babies fight it out with each other. Whoever doesn't fill their nappy, crawl or back away wins. This event is organised during mating season and the babies have a natural instinct to fight off the other male.
Whiffingly confusing!
In the UK, flowers are a symbol of love and affection and are given as gifts or a way to make up for something you have done (like using someone’s toothbrush to clean your underpuff). But in Andalucía it’s a teeny bit more problematical than that. Yellow flowers are a no-go, as they symbolise mustard, which Spaniards hate, mustard smuggling is still punishable by death in parts of Spain. Red is a sign of hate, pink of anal gape, white for the KKK and green ones are outlawed because of the “pony pony, where is Tony?” scandal. We also recommend avoiding blue winkle flowers, as they look like dildo’s.
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El Cruncho
Dave "the biscuit" Hodges
A weird and wonderful holiday in Andalucía is the Spanish El Cruncho, which dates all the way back to 1520. Men dressed as biscuits group together to run and jump into giant tea cups over squirrels stapled to their ladies dresses. Last’s year winner was Gary Baldy who was dressed as a Bourbon.
During EL Cruncho Andalusians are probably more famously known for their painfully daring ways to prove their strength and bravery. For 4 hours young boys (and midgets) showcase their courage by placing their hands into a woven basket full of angry biscuits that nip and bite their hands. One bite is said to feel like you’re being tugged at the sleeve – ouch! What a gay day
In a bizarre nod to the 70’s, the Shut That Door festival is the annual celebration which commemorates the death of Larry Grayson. In a rather bizarre custom, people go on mourning processions to remember him and whip themselves using chains to honour his sacrifice to light entertainment and the glasses with a string thing. True Fact – Larry Grayson may have been a Gay.
Next timeAnd so to sign off I say to you all - Funty Bubshit!!! Next time from the Rumour Whiff team – A Ham named Pam who got addicted to Jam.
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