The spirit of Jimi Hendrix unlocks your personal future

Spookily vague

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Life could be better. You are suffering a bit, and feel a little sad. Something may brighten your month or, on the other hand it may not. Try sniffing.
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Taurus April 20 - May 20

Invest in travel & catering as this is your money month. I would say probably sell your house to fund this investment. You may or may not regret it.
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Leo July 23 - August 22

Polish off those dancing shoes and sell them on Ebay. You are unlikely to be dancing for a very long time. Avoid crossing the road this month.
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Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Will your dreams become reality this month? Humans dream mostly about sex and falling off tall buildings - carry condoms and a massive mattress at all times.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Pantone is your watchword for this month and grouting is your noise. You will find something large in the cupboard at about tea time.
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Gemini May 21 - June 20

You may be feeling a bit sorry for yourself, but this month is going to get better and a horse (or dwarf cat) will come into your life and fill it with a feeling of silky bottoms.
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Virgo August 23 - September 22

You'll be playing a lot of billiard style games and wearing waistcoats. You think Noel Edmunds is a tosser this month because of his views on eggshell versus satin.
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Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

The eating month. Jimmy feels that you are likely to order in a Chinese, Indian, Chippy, Pizzeria & Mexican this month or you may just have toast instead.

Aries March 21 - April 19

You are in love and have recently found the partner you have been looking for all your life. Sadly, they will do something inappropriate in the next 3 weeks.
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Cancer June 21 - July 22

Avoid black cats, walking under ladders, the number 9, Christmas, ravens, a man with a hat, slightly burnt paper and supreme alien beings. Boffins could be dangerous as well.
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Libra September 23 - October 22

Grinding a stone is difficult in flip flops, it moves and makes a noise (sometimes). That's how you are feeling this month. You will use your hands at some point.
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Capricorn December 22 - January 19

There is a grey cloud over the horizon. This will clear and get warmer but an area of low pressure will bring some rain and fog with some patchy sunshine at times.