Conspiracy Corner

Government bitches

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Did you know that supposed Airplane chemtrails are just made up by the Government?

Fuck yes! Planes have been secretly modified to run on passenger gufters. Farts are sucked from underneath the seat to power the aircraft and on some long haul flights, they spray the cabin to keep the built up air biscuits you have generated on the plane when you leave.

Have you noticed how your fluff rate increases when you get on a plane? That because they feed you flatulent inducing food and secretly massage when you are asleep to get your bowels moving. Top brass at the Airlines don’t want you to find out because otherwise they have to reduce prices.
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Planes now send out optical signals to the brain into fooling you that there is a chemtrail and they are still polluting the environment as usual. You heard it here first

Oh no!

Worldwide economic depression?
A year of sorrow and bloodshed that will have no end?
A ban on the wearing of “nick nack” type jewellery?
 
Yes, it looks like the end of the world may be around the corner so make sure you get your checklist sorted before being judged by God. Banksy Wanklepump investigates…
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A planet
It has been confirmed that a comet (spotted last Thursday) will collide with the earth in 2050 causing Armageddon and all the worlds’ metals will melt, creating a river that we will all pass through to eventually be judged by God. The faithful to heaven, the rest to hell where a celestial war will be waged until eternity.  So, how do you prepare to become one of the faithful? Well, we have produced this handy survival guide.

Guide to surviving the end of the world

Step One - What are the warning signs?
​There is only one. A talking eagle will tell us the prophecy of the God bucket. The eagle will have slightly shorter talons than normal eagles. Eagle measurers are being deployed to identify the talking beast and offer him (or her) bed and board.
Step Three – How do you prepare & protect yourself? 
  1. Get a good set of pans. Preferably with a copper bottom.
  2. Put the bins out
  3. Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Step Two – Ask the experts? 
We have talked to so-called experts and created this useful project timeline, simply print out and tick off as the end of the world progresses.
  • 2020 Pre-tribulation rapture and Second coming
  • 2028 NASA push away space rock expected to hit Earth. Scientists move the moon a bit
  • 2036 War of Armageddon, which is the final war, waged by infants under 5
  • 2041 Mass suicide in the hopes of hitching a ride on passing UFOs
  • 2042 An asteroid fully made of rock, ice and stuff, with a 9km diameter, travelling at 30,000 miles per hour will strike earth at 10pm killing seven or maybe eight people. Roads will be damaged and traffic could build up a bit
  • 2045 Various Christians say we'll be chipped
  • 2047 Andromeda is expected to collide with our Galaxy and we will unmerge with the Milky Way. There will be referendum on whether we should unmerge or not. Unmerging happens and most in favour of unmerging are of course racist and those who would like to stay merged, think we should have another go at merging despite what the others think. Gravity will decide, like it did in 2019
  • 2050 End of Earth and life as we know it
Step Four – Accept the inevitable 
  1. Donate all your money to charity – MillBegs has a good service you can use
  2. Get some facial tattoos that mainly say Funty Bubshit, or ones of Metal Mickey
  3. Lick something
  4. Feel the vibe