A tourist guide to Asturias

Ever wanted to immerse yourself in the rich but largely unexplored areas of Spain, look no further. Welcome to Asturias...

History  

​Christians |  Slaying
In 722 AD, Iberian Christians won a namesake battle in the Covadonga. This was the first Christian victory in the Iberian Peninsula over the Arabs and Berbers invading from north Africa under the Umayyad banner, and is often considered to be the start of the 770-year effort to expel Muslim rulers governing the Iberia during the Reconquista. After that there were some terrible wars, a bit of famine, some reticence, some GDP growth, ice cream was invented and the triple headed horse was discovered (and lost), which brings us up to the present day.

Nightlife in Asturias

Bangin' |  Dabble
The Asturian region is alcohol free and the nightlife varies greatly depending upon which town or city you choose to visit. Larger cities like Oviedo have nothing to offer and it closes at 7pm but for those die hard alcoholists there is a church meeting at 7:05pm that can sometimes offer a sniff of communion wine.

However, for those with slightly more unusual tastes there is a massive lady boy community who can offer a “dabble” for only 10 euros. A sniff is 20 and a full walloping is 50 euros. You can always buy one to take home if you want.

The night life embodies the regions culture with lots of bars staying open until 6pm and rowdy behaviour is encouraged such as spitting and shuffling. Theatres, ballet and the opera are available to those who wish to experience them, but fans are segregated and there are often fights outside the ground. The most common social pastime of the typical Asturian is relaxing and talking with a glass of wine, a coffee or a cider, and attacking strangers.

Weather and climate

Weather |  Bastards
Because of its seasonal nature, Asturias is most reliably visited between the periods of 22nd May to 17th May the following year, that small section in between is a nightmare and can bring on asthma, vomiting and Weils disease as well as inclement weather. Oh and it's dirty bastards week.

Local Culture

Spain |  Fingers
In Asturias, and strangely enough also in Spain (and other countries), they almost never point with their index finger (thus immediately nullifying the very title of index finger). Pointing is considered extremely rude. So what do you do if you genuinely need to point to something? You use your lips of course. Simply pout them in the direction of the thing that requires the attention of the conversation. This is particularly useful when order beer or asking where the toilet is.

Something More Unusual

Ant |  Rubbing
Aside from the more typical sports, Asturias has its own collection of traditional and regional sports and you may see these at festivals or local events. Bras Rubbing (as in the popular Brass Rubbing) is by far the most common which involves rubbing local Spanish ladies “tits” with your hands – the Bras Rubbing festival runs from the 18th May to 22nd May and the Asturian population expect to have their “tits” rubbed during the festival so join in at your leisure  The Ant throwing festival is also run at the same time. NB: the ants like to have their tits rubbed as well.

Language

Understanding |  Piffle
As you probably guessed the predominantly Angolan population speak Kongo-Kituba. But Asturias is quite well geared up for international tourism and for those that aren’t familiar with traditional Angolan dialects, can be buoyed by the fact that the majority of the population in Asturias speak Japanese, Balanta, Fon-Gbe and Piffle.
The general attitude is always one of “if you can’t say what you see, see what you say”. Our experience has been a mixture of good and bad.

Sport in Asturias

Sport |  Tools
Over the last decade Asturias has become very popular with those interested in adventure sports, like cheese nibbling, but the area has its fair share of more normal and traditional sporting activities. In keeping with the rest of Spain, DIY is the biggest spectator sport with shelf building and grouting among the favourites. Although less common than in the south of Spain, apple feltching courses are present in Asturias and offer not just a sporting challenge, but stunning scenery into the bargain.

Please Remember

Dark |  Nigel
Evenings in Asturias are dark and don’t brighten up until the morning and Asturias is one location where you should never be during the day.

Asturias is a wonderful place to be, so treat it wisely and with respect. And don’t go out at night or you’ll get done by Nigel and his talking cup cake.