Aix-en-provence
A charming region of France or a hotbet of crime, vampires and jizz? RW gazes truth in the eye...
Chateaux | Rooms
As the sun begins to set on another glorious day we drive into Bédoin. A lovely little agricultural area comprises several hamlets all of which are blessed with that Mediterranean climate of sun nearly every day of the year, occasional snow and a deluge of hail. Interestingly, it has hailed every year on precisely at 12 o plop.
We are staying at one of the most exclusive hotels in Europe, Chateaux Nifty which includes among its other attractions; a personal butler, two large indoor pools, spa, a mini Crisp Mountain™, barbecue facilities, a private beach and a juggler. There is also 25 hour room service and some very nice chairs to sit in, a bed, two pillows and a plastic bag. Its vista was enchanting and food exquisite, even the cravailleur was cooked to perfection. Walking through the vibrant French markets there is enough fruit and veg to feed 11 vegans. It's clear that Grapes are a local delicacy as are fish, nuts, hairpieces, two trollops and a biscuit. For lunch we ate Grape soup and had a quick fumble in the pissoir.
As the sun begins to set on another glorious day we drive into Bédoin. A lovely little agricultural area comprises several hamlets all of which are blessed with that Mediterranean climate of sun nearly every day of the year, occasional snow and a deluge of hail. Interestingly, it has hailed every year on precisely at 12 o plop.
We are staying at one of the most exclusive hotels in Europe, Chateaux Nifty which includes among its other attractions; a personal butler, two large indoor pools, spa, a mini Crisp Mountain™, barbecue facilities, a private beach and a juggler. There is also 25 hour room service and some very nice chairs to sit in, a bed, two pillows and a plastic bag. Its vista was enchanting and food exquisite, even the cravailleur was cooked to perfection. Walking through the vibrant French markets there is enough fruit and veg to feed 11 vegans. It's clear that Grapes are a local delicacy as are fish, nuts, hairpieces, two trollops and a biscuit. For lunch we ate Grape soup and had a quick fumble in the pissoir.
After lunch we head out into the rolling countryside. Aix is the home to Aix Mansion, known as The Aix Mansion. This 30 bedroom mansion boasts its own bowling alley, nude fighting arena and Olympic sized swimming pool to make it the largest (sort of) home ever built in the world. As well as 30 bedrooms the home has 23 bathrooms with spectacular views over Lake Ewakey. The hand-built (by Siberian rat fleas) windows for the house cost more than £2m (and are still awaiting delivery) and other luxuries include a ballroom, a children's theatre and a shed. There is a garage with enough space for 2 cars, three swimming pools, a large boat house, formal gardens, informal gardens and smart casual gardens. There is also a baseball field, two tennis courts, a flik flak pitch, a 60 foot by 120 foot Grand Cupboard with a 30-foot stained glass phallic dome, two leaning staircases, a 37 foot by 30 foot model of a giant foot, 10 satellite kitchens, a two-story wine cellar and a rock grotto with three separate spas behind an 80-foot waterfall. All 23 full bathrooms have full-sized Jacuzzis and 1 loo roll in each, 160 tripled paned windows and Brazilian mahogany Japanese-style, Arabic doors that alone cost £1.3 million. They also have their very own Crisp Mountain™ built by Mr Crisp himself – Mr Crisp.
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For a true taste of France make for the Plomp des Pamp. Just out of town, the ex-tile works was southern France's major jizz centre during the last war. Restored for £16 million, the enormous site opened last year as a memorial-cum-museum. The tour is first-rate and the emotional punch is palpably debilitating, with jizz from the likes of Uri Geller (floating in space), Abraham Lincoln (a bit brown and dry looking) and the Osmond’s (very translucent with a suggestion of caviar). Allow three hours for the tour (07525 867368); with MillTours en French for only a few hundred Euros. The tasting menu is extra or you can bring your own.
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If walking along the active volcano and its vast dune plains you may very well run into one of the last three shepherds of Bédoin tending the sheep with his dog. Perhaps he'll tell you a story of old shepherds and wolves and lambs astray! Or the one about the three gay prostitutes and a spit roast hamster - how we laughed.
Unfortunately, the place is full of fucking cyclists that plague the area. Aix-en-Provence is well known for its vampiric indigenous residents; Bat like creatures that roam only at night. So unfortunately, during the daytime the place is run by the topless international school of au pairs. They are fiercely attracted to anyone wearing Lycra but will shun anyone under 5ft 9”.
Will we come back? Too fucking right, in cuban heels and a Sky cycling one piece. |